Zim and Dib's Excellentish Adventure!
by ImGonnaEatThatFish
Summary: A parody ?  of action/sci-fi movies, featuring Zim and Dib battling zombies, ninjas, traveling through time, driving Ferraris with wings, fighting bad guys with stupid names, and much, much more. Revel in its LUNACY!
1. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

**I OWN INVADER ZIM**

**...On DVD and DVD alone**

**Zim and Dib's Excellent-ish Adventure!**

**Chapter 1: Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (that have Rocket Launchers!)**

...Was the first thought that popped into the intrepid (and possibly crazy) ten-year old paranormal investigator.

"Watch out Dib!" yelled Taco-Man as he jumped away from the oncoming zombie horde.

"Don't worry about me TM! I can mow these guys down easily enough!" Dib pulled out his machine gun and, upon making an obligatory _Scarface _reference, began to kick the collective ass of the mutated undead that refused to yield. _Where the hell is Zim!_ the boy thought angrily as he hastily reloaded the gun.

"Dib! HELP MEEEEE!" cried Taco-Man suddenly. Dib turned on his heel quickly and pumped round after round of fire into the zombies that had jumped upon and began eating the taco-y superhero, but it was no use.

"Taco-Man! NOOOO!" Dib exclaimed as TM was overwhelmed by the horde. _Zim you sorry ass, where are you? _Dib's eyes narrowed. The zombies advanced on the boy. _Great, now I'm screwed! _Dib thought desperately. _Oh, how did I ever get into this damn mess in the first place? _He thought, setting up a clever segue into the flashback which will eventually lead up to this point...

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"I can't wait 'til that alien scum gets a load of this!" Dib, with some new and needlessly complicated device resembling a mixture of a vacuum and a squirrel in his hand, cackled as his sister walked alongside him, her head cocked towards her Game-Slave 2.

"What if he's just plotting some sort of 'horrendous doom' for you?" Gaz questioned her brother wryly, then turned back to her game.

"Oh, I don't think so Gaz! I've got a really good feeling about this!"

Just then, Zim pulled up in a totally sweet black Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano in front of the two, having knocked over several schoolchildren and broken down a chain-link fence.

"If you want to survive get in the car!" Zim yelled at the the stunned Dib (who had dropped his weapon) and the not-so-stunned Gaz. The Irken ended up having to pull Dib in after Gaz got into the Ferrari willingly.

"HI!" Gir piped up from the shotgun position as the children were shoved in the backseat.

"What's happening? Where are you taking us?" Dib demanded of the Irken.

"I'm saving your damn life, so shut up!" Zim exclaimed, flooring it. Just then a giant laser beam fired through the Skool and adjacent buildings, destroying several city blocks.

"What the hell is that?" Dib screeched as a giant robot came out of nowhere, obviously being the cause of the laser. Gaz shrugged complacently, still mashing buttons to keep back a squad of robots in her game.

"I don't know! Shit has been cropping up all over Earth today, shit not even I, the AMAZING ZIM! can stop!"

"Somebody's destroying Earth! HOORAY!" Gir squealed enthusiastically.

"Yeah, and I have a real bone to pick with him!" Zim replied. "This was supposed to be MY planet to destroy!"

Suddenly, Zim turned sharply into an alleyway when several police cars came soaring off of the rooftops of surrounding buildings, landing in formation behind the Ferrari and blaring their sirens.

"Surrender extraterrestrial! You are being charged with being an alien and grand theft auto! Do not attempt to escape!" one cop yelled into a megaphone.

"Yeah, I kind of stole this car after my Voot Cruiser broke down..." Zim answered Dib's unspoken question. "Took them a while to figure it out, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to do this!" with the press of a button two panels on either side of the Ferrari slid inwards and were replace by two gatling guns. A console rose from the floor underneath Gir's seat. "Gir, man the guns!" Zim commanded.

"Yes sir!" Gir's eyes flashed red for a second, then back to their regular cyan color. "IT'S ASPLODING TIME!"

Rounds of bullets streaked forwards into the oncoming police cars, who were unable to penetrate the invisible forcefield Zim had probably programmed into the car. The front car exploded after a few seconds, toppling over and causing the other cars to crash into it, causing a massive pile up and blocking the alleyway.

"Jesus Christ!" Dib yelled as he excitedly watched the destruction through the back window. Gaz remained nonplussed.

Zim, obviously still preoccupied with getting the hell off of Earth, burst out of the alleyway off of a convenient ramp and turned on the radio, but instead of some annoying pop singer's auto-tuned voice blaring through the car, the sides of the Ferrari once again slid inwards, this time revealing two giant wings. Pushing another button, thrusters ejected from the back of the Ferrari, and as the thrusters kicked in, the Ferrari blasted into the atmosphere.

"F-f-forget what I said about having a good feeling about this," Dib, nearly frozen with shock, chattered. Gaz shrugged.

_WHUMP! _Something landed heavily on the Ferrari's roof. "Gir! Go kill whoever that is!" Zim thundered.

"Yes master!" Gir saluted and jumped out of the car. It activated its rocket boosters and flew to the roof. Within seconds, a figure could be seen falling through the sky from the left-side of the car.

"Gir!" Zim pulled out the device he used to contact Gir with from his pack. "Are there any more?" Zim barked.

"Yes!"

"Who are they?"

"CIA! They're coming out of a giant airplane!"

"Oh, great... Gir get back inside. You two, fasten your seat-belts!" Zim pointed at the frozen-with-fear-Dib and the as of yet unperturbed Gaz. Gir flew back through the window right as Zim pulled into a deadly tailspin, throwing off the idiots who had tried to land on the Ferrari without parachutes. Making an abrupt U-turn, Zim brought up a cross-hairs display on the front window of the car, and after positioning it to lock on to the CIA's plane, flipped a switch and released two rockets from a compartment in the car's front bumper. A fiery explosion erupted from the plane as it began to fall from the sky.

Then out of nowhere a chunk of debris from the destroyed plane flew towards the car. Zim tried to dodge it, but it was no use. The debris hurtled towards the car, knocking a chunk of the right wing off. Now the winged Ferrari descended from the sky at a catastrophic speed.

"Oh God we're gonna die we're gonna die we're gonna..." Dib kept repeating over and over.

"Shut up! Do you think I, the amazing ZIM! Would die from falling from the sky? You insult my superior Irken intellect!" Zim shouted back, pressing another button on the dash which caused a parachute to unfold from the car's roof, causing the four to float gently towards the ground.

And onto a railroad track. Right in front of a speeding train.

"Oh, come on!" Dib yelled.

**A/N: **Well, that's Chapter One! Don't worry, there's a reason for why Zim chose to save Dib and Gaz, and it has nothing to do with friendship or love or anything...


	2. Death Race

**I OWN INVADER ZIM**

**...T-shirts**

**Zim and Dib's Excellent-ish Adventure!**

**Chapter 2: Death Race (or more drive-by shootings)**

As the train sped towards the doomed foursome, Zim regained his wits just in time to reactivate the miraculously unbroken thrusters and barrel down the tracks, bumping and crashing along the way.

"I'm gonna try to repair the wing!" Zim shouted over the rattling of the car. He kicked open the door to his left and, grabbing carefully onto the roof of the vehicle, sidled over until he was directly above the car's wing. That's when the bullets started whizzing past his face and glancing off of his PAK.

Pulling himself onto the roof of the car, Zim stood to stare at several S.W.A.T. Team members who were positioned on the roof of the train. "You wanna play, bitches? I'll give you something to play with!" Zim yelled at the soldiers. Stepping carefully onto a panel positioned near the center of the Ferrari's roof, the panel lit up, slid out to reveal a hole, and in its place a large turret which could not possibly fit inside the thin roof popped up out of the hole.

Zim jumped into a seat positioned directly underneath the main cannons. Zim grabbed hold of two control sticks and simultaneously clicked the red buttons on the ends of them. Two of the cannons on either end of the turret fired two lasers directly at the soldiers, while four machine guns positioned in the middle of the turret began to fire at the same time.

However, one of the S.W.A.T. Members pulled out a giant shield made of antimatter. "Have a taste of our classified government weaponry!" the man shouted. As the laser beams and bullets were swallowed up, a giant dragon flew out of the shield.

"That doesn't even make sense!" Zim shouted.

"It doesn't have to! It's classified government weaponry!" the guy shouted back.

Zim opened a compartment in the side of the turret marked _GRENADES _and pulled out a 36M, removing the pin and throwing the ball of destruction at the dragon. The two blew up in midair, and the dragon's remains fell onto the train, crushing the guy and his shield, which vaporized for whatever reason.

"Ha! Even mythical beasts tremble at my superiority!" Zim cackled. Just then he remembered the wing of the car, and upon sending the turret back into the roof, Zim crawled back to where the broken wing jutted out of the Ferrari. Kicking the remainder of the piece off, Zim stuck his hand into the hole where the wing came from and pressed a few buttons. In seconds, another wing jutted out.

"What the hell took you so long?" Dib yelled as Zim slid back into the driver's seat.

"I had to fight a dragon," Zim replied casually.

"You fought a dragon!" Dib asked incredulously.

"Yeah. And a guy with an antimatter shield."

"You do know how stupid that sounds, right?"

"The writer sure didn't seem to think so," Zim snapped back, pulling the Ferrari into an upwards position right before they hit a giant rock that was mysteriously placed in the middle of the railroad. The train exploded upon impact with the boulder as the Ferrari zoomed up into the sky.

"That was close!" Dib exclaimed. "So... now what?"

"We get off of this filthy refrigerator-infested rock!"

"Why do you hate refrigerators so much?" Dib muttered under his breath.

Suddenly, the jet thrusters began to sputter, and quickly gave out, causing the four to fall from the sky once more.

"Watch out! We're gonna land in that raceway down there!"

"NOOOOOO!" Dib screamed.

"What? We're gonna be fine, Dib!" Zim yelled back.

"I have an irrational fear of race tracks!" Dib screamed.

"That's stupid!" Gaz reprimanded Dib.

Visibly shaking, Dib was launched upward as the Ferrari hit the ground, his seatbelt merely causing his guts to hurt more as it restrained him from traveling further into the sky.

"And it seems a Ferrari with wings has descended from the sky and contains a man in an alien costume, a robot, and two scared and possibly kidnapped children! Huh. Anyways, it's time for the T-SHIRT CANNON!" an announcer blared as several smiling cheerleaders brought out the aforementioned cannon.

"Alright, here's the plan," Zim explained to those in the car with him. "I'm going to go steal some fuel from those greasy monkey things over in that hole. I want you to grab the wheel once I've jumped out Gir... Ready? NOW!" Zim launched himself from the car and began to mercilessly beat several pit crew workers, and upon grabbing several containers of car fuel, he turned back and boosted himself off the ground via his PAK legs and landed effortlessly on the Ferrari's wing.

"Hey! That's cheating!" a fat redneck, complete with a baseball cap and a plaid shirt covering a white shirt, poked his head out of the car behind Zim. Pulling out a generic redneck shotgun, he began to fire at the alien, who barely escaped back inside the car as one of the tires was shot.

"That's cheating too!" Zim whined as the redneck sped past him.

"Yeah well I'm a redneck so it don't matter bitches!" the redneck yelled.

"Douchebag," Zim sighed. Firing another rocket from the car's wings, Zim took small pleasure in the giant fiery explosion that consumed the howling redneck and his car. Zim then retracted the wings so they wouldn't break again and pushed a button to re-inflate the busted tire. "Gir, I need you to take over while I convert this into jet fuel," the Invader commanded Gir.

"WOO-HOO! Joyride!" the robot squealed with delight.

Zim popped out a large toaster-like mechanism from the glove box and poured the fuel into one hole and set a dial to point to the label _Jet Fuel_. After a few seconds, the fuel seemingly evaporated from the first hole and then filled up the second with the converted fuel. Pouring it back into the fuel canisters, Zim handed the fuel to two mechanical arms that came out of the jet engines that still remained on the back side of the car. The arms set about pouring the fuel into a convenient tube marked _GAS HOLE._

"Zim, we've got company!" Dib informed the Irken. "Robot cheerleaders are headed this way!"

Sure enough, the cheerleaders were in fact robots, and they were flying at supersonic speeds towards the Ferrari. They were each marked as property of the CIA.

"CIA bastards!" Zim made a fist. "Here, I'll-"

"No, I'll do it," Gaz decided, seeing as she hadn't really done or said anything yet.

"Oh, OK," and that was that. Gaz jumped out of the backseat door and rolled along the cement, then quickly stood up to face the cheerleaders.

"All right you bitches," Gaz clawed a rip in Earth's very matter, because she can do that now and because it sounds cool, and pulled out a 30 foot longsword. "Taste my steel!" she swung the sword so it cut each one of the cheerleaders, who had descended from the sky to attack her, in half. They exploded in a fiery inferno. "Clean up on Aisle 5," Gaz said nonchalantly, then jumped into the rift which transported her back into her seat.

Finally, Zim re-extended the wings of the Ferrari and the four finally took off. "Activating space transport mode!" Zim exclaimed as they reached the edge of Earth's atmosphere, and the wings became more feather-y like bird wings and the car filled with oxygen.

"Huh. I thought the Earth was going to be destroyed by the evil forces of doom that were ransacking the planet," Dib said.

"Yeah. I guess not," Zim replied. Then the Earth exploded (in another fiery inferno), its debris flying everywhere.

"Never mind," Zim said as the four sped away in their winged Ferrari.

**A/N: I like explosions. **

** Also, if you haven't noticed, each chapter is/will be named after a movie (yes, Death Race is the name of a movie). Furthermore, I guess you can add scientific inaccuracies to the list of action/sci-fi cliches this is parodying now. Next up: Zim reveals his intentions for saving Dib and Gaz, but complications ruin his plan! What is his plan? How is it ruined? Why is Dib afraid of race tracks? Why does Zim hate refrigerators? Answers to these and other questions will be revealed later in _Zim and Dib's Excellentish Adventure!_**


	3. The Shawshank Redemption

**I OWN INVADER ZIM**

**...but the sentence below "I OWN INVADER ZIM" always says I own some sort of IZ merchandise and not the show and by this point I think we all get it so I'm just gonna shut up now.**

**Zim and Dib's Excellent-ish Adventure!**

**Chapter 3: The Shawshank Redemption (someone escapes from prison in this. I couldn't think of anything else)**

As chaos emerged on Earth, in fact right as Zim, Dib and the others began to fight off random bad guy after another, up to about when Earth exploded climatically and our heroes(?) jetted off through space in the winged Ferrari, something else important was happening in some other place. This other place happened to be on the opposite side of the universe in a prison. This prison happens to be the most highly guarded maximum security prison in the galaxy, so you know a guy's going to escape from it because he's totally badass.

The badass in question, who was in fact the only prisoner and only reason the prison had been built in the first place, also happened to be an Irken, being held in the prison for unspeakable crimes. "Prisoner 1!" an alien guard who looked a bit like a squid-demon thing barked at the Irken. The Irken looked up wryly. "Dinner, you scum." a fat, squishy looking thing was thrown on the cell's floor.

"That looks like shit," the Irken laughed badass-ly.

"Yeah, well you're gonna eat it, bitch," the guard replied.

"Maybe not... maybe you'll be eating it instead..."

It was the gaurd's turn to laugh, "Why's that, bitch?"

"Because I'm gonna feed it to you," the Irken smiled. Both of them laughed now. Then, with a flash of light, the Irken magically broke the chains that were stuck to the cell walls off of the stones they were secured to. Whipping the chains wildly in the air, the Irken brought them down hard onto the guard's face, bloodying the squid-thing and bringing it to its knees. Foot on the squid's head, the Irken beamed, force-feeding the squid-thing the lumpy thing.

"How'd you like it...bitch?" the Irken asked without looking at the guard. Just when it seemed the Irken was going to walk away, it used the chains once more to end the guard's life. The Irken laughed at the squid-thing's cries of anguish.

Upon stepping out of the cell door, the Irken was immediately covered with pinpricks of red light. He'd forgotten about the laser grid that instantly tracked his bio-signature if he so much as took one step out of his cell. Whoops. The Irken dived towards the ground as the lasers, too slow to catch his sudden movement, blasted its heat rays towards the floor, underneath which a chemical tank lay. The entire cell was destroyed in a fiery explosion as the Irken rolled towards the end of the hallway and the power box which controlled the lasers. The Irken flipped through the air just as automatic spikes flew up from the floor.

Now the lasers focused on the prisoner again; the Irken ran up the wall to the left and backflipped off of it just as the lasers blew it apart. Knowing the lasers would have to be disabled for it to survive, the Irken ignored the hole in the wall and sprinted towards the box, whipping it with the chains and successfully causing the lasers to disappear. The Irken crushed the box , which had fallen to the ground, with its foot.

"Hoya!" a voice with a stereotypical Asian accent called out from behind the Irken. The Irken hadn't realized the hole in the wall had led to the ninja alien training room. The Irken jumped towards the ninjas,rolling and twisting through the air as explosive ninja stars whizzed past and blew up against the back wall. The Irken flailed its chain-whips smack into one of the ninjas' faces and stole his stars, throwing them in a horizontal formation at the others. The ninjas were blown back by the force of each explosion, and as the dust cleared the Irken stole two of their ninja pole things and jumped headfirst into the training room. A ninja star accidentally set off a giant quantity of stars on the floor and blew up the entire room the Irken came through right as he jumped.

"Alright you sons of bitches, let's dance!" the Irken exclaimed as he landed in the middle of what appeared to be thousands of ninjas. The ninjas ran at the Irken instantaneously. The Irken clubbed three quickly, then span around to collect their corpses off the ground with the sticks and threw them at several more of the onslaught. Then it shoved the second stick right up another's neck, and when the stick protruded from the other end of the ninja's head, the Irken used the pole to vault over the heads of several ninjas and came down hard in the throes of the crowd, causing a blast of energy that spurted magically from the pole to kill those below and around the spot the Irken landed at.

Then, using divine powers that came from nowhere, the Irken span the two poles over its head and caused them to blaze with a magic aura and turn green in color. The Irken launched the enchanted poles into the horde, effectively mowing down hundreds of the ninjas.

The dead lying down like a bloody mass of a toppled domino chain, only one ninja stood in the Irken's way, an exceptionally large, muscular ninja. As the two spinning poles burned into piles of ash for some reason, the Irken was left defenseless as the ninja pulled out two gleaming swords and rushed towards it. The Irken backflipped right as the ninja swung the swords through the air where the Irken had been standing mere seconds ago. The Irken then daringly slipped under the ninja's legs, punched him in the balls, and as the ninja doubled over in pain, the Irken delivered a roundhouse kick right to the back of the ninja's head, causing the ninja to fall to the ground.

Not wanting to take chances, the Irken grabbed one of the fallen swords and in one smooth gesture spun on its heel and slid the blade cleanly through the ninja's neck, decapitating him.

_What now? _The Irken thought. _Better find my PAK, _he decided, as he had long ago programmed his PAK to not be his life source. The way it had programmed its PAK was just one of the reasons it was considered so dangerous to the galaxy. And why they'd taken it away.

So the Irken began to trot through the ninja room and through the hallways of the giant prison, only then becoming aware of the alarm being sounded. It reached the end of another hallway and crashed through a large window that happened to be at the end of it, unaware of what lay on its other side, as everything behind it exploded in slow motion. Turning as it reached the floor of the large room it happened to be in, the Irken saw the cause of these explosions: a bomb launching Tyrannosaurus Rex that had somehow fit in the narrow corridors of the prison had been tailing him for God knew how long.

Atop the T-Rex sat none other than the warden of the prison, cloaked in nothing but two diagonal strips of bones crossing his chest with a mammoth-like skull as the centerpiece and torn shorts. The warden's muscles bulged out of his minimal clothing. A crash from behind the Irken revealed two Triceratops with laser cannons strapped to their undersides with the Second and Third Wardens (clones of the first) riding them. "Uh, uh, uh," the First Warden taunted as he used a trans-galactic portal gun to zap the giant sword the Irken realized was still in its hand away. "You don't get any weapons in this fight."

"We'll see about that!" the Irken barked, leaping 30 feet in the air as laser and gunfire tried to shoot it down. The Irken landed on an outcropping on the far left of the giant room and ran towards another door. The Irken knew it had to find his PAK quickly now. Of course, several thousand Irken guards miraculously poured from the sky of the room and launched themselves at the Irken. It gritted its teeth and caught one marine as he fell, wrenching his gun away and oddly morphing it into a long double sided blade with a grip in between the two blades. The Irken then hurtled towards the guards and, floating, disarmed and gutted each one as he flew around at incredible speed. With one final twist of the blade as it smashed straight through the final guard's head, the Irken floated gently to the ground, leaving the blade jammed in the guard's face.

Turning to the side, the Irken noticed what it'd been looking for for a while now- a map of the damn prison. One room not far away was labeled as the PAK Research Lab, so that was where the Irken darted off to. SMASH! The Irken almost lost its footing as the T-Rex's ugly face smashed through the floor, firing bolts of electricity out of its mouth as the First Warden fired cannonballs from a turret on the dinosaur's head at the Irken, a jovial grin on his equally disgusting face.

The Irken stumbled for a second before jumping at one cannonball and latching on as it flew at 100 miles per hour. As it crashed into the wall by where the corridor turned to the left, the Irken flung itself off, the dinosaur now further behind it. The Irken could barely make out a door at the end of the hallway, but it knew it must be where its PAK was. Sprinting as fast as possible, the Irken was forced to jump between the walls to his right and left in order to avoid the cannon fire and electric bolts, as well as the giant laser beams coming from the two Triceratops that had since joined the T-Rex. Finally the Irken shoved its way into the door, and there in the middle of the room he stood in was his PAK, floating in a ray of light as most objects that happen to be in the middle of rooms seem to do.

The Irken grinned as its PAK was finally reunited with its back, ignoring the shaking scientists who occupied the room.

"End of line, bitch!" the First, Second and Third Wardens screamed as they dismounted their dinosaurs.

"Have you forgotten! With this PAK, I am the most powerful being in existence! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Nothing can stop me! Except that one flaw that will be revealed when the main characters need it the most... but never mind that because I'm gonna blow this place to the ground!" the Irken screamed as a laser that stretched 3.2 billion light years burst from his PAK. In seconds the prison was a burning wreck, and the Irken had sliced open the Second and Third Warden.

Now on his knees, the First Warden cried, "I'll do anything you want just please don;t kill me!"

"What a whore..." the Irken laughed. "I want Zim, bitch. And I don't need your help." the Irken kicked the First Warden in the face and ripped him apart with its bare hands before ascending the T-Rex and flying off into space through another hole in the ceiling he created via its laser-firing PAK. "Flying dinosaurs? Really?" the Irken asked quietly as it watched the prison planet it'd escaped from blow up in a fiery inferno.

**A/N: The Irken can breathe in space or something, just in case you wondering. I know this is kind of different from the other two chapters, but I wanted to establish the kick ass, "unstoppable" villain. "The Irken" has an actual name, but I'm keeping it under wraps, as well as its gender cuz I feel like it.**


	4. Training Day

I do not own Invader Zim

A/N: It certainly has been a while since I updated. Sorry.

**Chapter 4: Training Day (Dib gets taught how to be a cliché action hero)**

_Wait a second, _Dib thought as he tried fruitlessly to keep the zombies off of Taco-Man, as well as himself, _How the hell did I remember that if it didn't happen to me and I didn't witness it? And who the hell was that Irken? Wait a second...It was...! _but the boy was cut off as the author decided to wipe his memory; it's too early in the story for the people reading it to know anything. _Hmm, where was I again? Oh yeah... _thought Dib as his flashback continued.

The Ferrari jetted through space with Gir steering as Dib happened to be beating up Zim at the moment. "How could you?" he screamed, kicking the invader in the jaw.

"Hey, I saved your life, didn't I?" Zim answered back as he spat blood.

"Only so you could bring us back to the Tallests and cover your own damned ass!" Dib stopped as Zim panted, his knees on the floor of the car. Just then, the invader shot forward, grabbed Dib's knees, and brought him to the floor as well, pulling out a tazer gun from his PAK and zapping the boy into an unconscious state.

"Don't make me taze you too!" Zim pointed towards Gaz, who looked up at him incredulously, then turned back to her game.

"You got anything to eat? Oh, yeah, and we're about to run into some body lying in space out there," she replied nonchalantly. Just then, said body smacked against the windshield. Zim turned dramatically as the camera zoomed up on his face and the music rose in pitch.

"Gir! Follow me, let's get this person thing off the windshield!" Zim commanded, and the two stepped into space, Zim with his squishy helmet thing on. "Hmmm," Zim pondered. "It's quiet... too quiet."

"Thatz cuz there's no sound in space!" Gir yelled back. His robotic brain then realized the contradiction he'd just made, and his head promptly exploded. His beheaded body and limbs flew towards the body and he and Zim lifted it into the car, even though it would be virtually weightless in space and two people wouldn't be required to lift someone and...

"And then I shot the smart-ass narrator!" Zim yelled at me. Then he proceeded to take the car for a beaver-robot killing spree joyride of doom.

However, Dib didn't remember any of that as he was unconscious at the time. Well, really, he was unconscious and even more crazy than he would've thought, for he found himself standing in a completely white room; several gigantic figures stood above him. One approached him, starting with "Dib, you-"

"Where the hell am I?" Dib yelped with fear. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaau-"

"SHUT UP!" the figure cut in. He proceeded in a thick Austrian accent, "Dib, you have been a pussy this whole adventure. You must be taught to be a badass if you want to best your sister and the alien."

"Gee, a giant action movie star in my head agrees that Zim's an alien!" Dib smiled before going over what he'd just said. "Dammit."

Just then, a shirtless, buff Asian man spoke some unintelligible Japanese.

"Whu?" Dib inquired. Then the floor disappeared, and he suddenly smacked into a new floor. Grunting as he stood up, Dib looked around. The room was white, like the first one, and gave Dib the uneasy feeling he was walking on clouds, as he was unable to see where the room ended or began. The Asian, Dib noticed, was standing in what was probably the middle of the room, having grown to the size of a regular person. He then launched himself at Dib, performing a frenzy of sweet martial arts moves on the boy and beating him up severely. The Asian spoke once more, but Dib understood him this time as he read the subtitles. _You must think with your balls. Trust in masculinity, and sick-ass moves will be yours._

"Think...with my balls," Dib closed his eyes and went into Japanese Zen mode. Suddenly snapping out of his trance, Dib's eyes snapped open as well, and the boy jumped into lotus position, uttered a cry of "HOIYA!" and began to kick at the Asian, who dodged each kick. _Harder! You must think harder!_

Dib then did a backflip over the Asian's head, then, poised in midair behind his back, Dib unleashed a flurry of kicks, launching the Asian smack into a wall. _You...have learned! _The Asian's subtitles read. The floor crumbled and the Asian disappeared, and Dib fell through the air and onto another white room. Here, a man with a machine gun and no shirt (again) said, "You must always be a misunderstood Vietnam vet with a giant arsenal of guns. Always try to evoke sympathy while shooting shit, and always seek vengeance!"

A gun materialized in Dib's hands, and suddenly the man began to run at Dib, firing off round after round from his machine gun. Dib took off down the room as his Zen powers had been disabled so he could learn the next thing and not cheat. He and the man fired at each other, rupturing the walls behind one another and causing the whole room to look like a crumbling mess. _Evoke sympathy... _came a voice in Dib's head.

"Augh! The voices in my head are back!" Dib screamed as he shook his large head.

"Yes! Play up 'mentally unhinged!'" the man said just before one of Dib's bullets pierced him. He keeled over, disappeared, and the floor crumbled again as Dib hurtled towards the next floor.

Standing in wait for him this time stood a bald man, also equipped with a gun. Now Dib noticed a bomb had appeared in his hands. Dib dropped it at first, but then realized its fuse was unlit, and picked it up.

"Explosives, swearing, and stupid catchphrases," the bald man exclaimed, "Are key to being a badass! And don't ever star in a movie where you use music to time attacks, because that's gay! God did I learn that the hard way..."

And so Dib threw the bomb, which he had lit the fuse to, at the guy, blowing him up in a fiery inferno. "Clean up...on aisle seven... bitch!" Dib exclaimed.

"That...sucked..." the man gasped as he disappeared and the floor crumbled one final time. Dib floated Zen-like, deciding he wanted to avoid a concussion.

Now, the person on the final floor in front of Dib reminded him of himself; he was wearing a long black trench coat and dark black shades. "You... need to learn... to use... computers and do cool powers..." said the man in a monotone and wooden voice.

"Damn it, who let 'Canoe' back in here?" the Austrian shouted as he shot the shades-wearer from behind. "Now Dib, your final test..."

In a flash, several hundred men with full body armor and AK-47s appeared. As the Austrian stood at the back of the room, he shouted, "You must learn to waste and not be wasted!" The men charged towards Dib. Dib went crane style on the first one's ass, then grabbed up his gun and mowed down several of his assailants, as well as exploding conveniently placed gas canisters to destroy even more guys. The hail of bullets came pouring at Dib, but he flipped and dodged each one, occasionally slowing down time just to catch a few and throw them back at whoever fired them. Two buff guys with Gatling guns charged forwards now, and Dib's bullets pinged off of their skin. Several of the original attackers piled onto Dib, nearly suffocating him. The remaining soldiers stopped to see if he was dead or not. Then, in a flash of blue and yellow light, Dib sent the men on top of him barreling off into the sky. Dib then wielded one yellow and one blue elemental whip in either hand, causing deep lacerations in the men's bodies. With one final surge, every one of the attackers dropped dead. Dib panted heavily as the four teachers stepped onto the field amid the corpses and smoke.

"You four have had your fun," Dib panted. "But now it's my turn to kill!" the teachers applauded his enthusiasm right before he obliterated them all and flew out of his head.

"OMYGODWUTJUSTHAPPENED!" Dib gasped as he left his coma thing and found himself lying on the floor of the Ferrari mere seconds after the body had been dumped on the floor. Turning it over curiously, Dib discovered it to be an Irken! "Who is this?" Dib asked Zim, obviously too inquisitive to remember his previous anger.

Then the Irken lying on the ground sat straight up, gulped in a lungful of oxygen, breathed the words "It's...it's going to happen!" in as vague a word choice as possible, then collapsed in a fit of exhaustion. An explosion rocked the car immediately afterwards.

"Alright, I'll go see-"

"No, let me handle this!" Dib heroically shouted as he took off towards the unknown threat. He instantly choked and died when he leapt into space. Zim brought him back in, revived him, gave him a spacesuit thing, and then the boy dashed off (prepared this time) into the night. Or day. You can never really tell that kind of thing in space.

**A/N: Sorry this was so late, but I had a shitload of shit I had to do for school. Now with spring break in just a little while I'll be able to update lot quicker. So, what is this new threat? Who is the Irken in Zim's Ferrari? Find out next time! P.S. If you know who the four "teachers" of Dib's subconscious are, plz comment! **


	5. YuGiOh! The Movie

**Welcome to another fantabulicious chapter of...**

_**ZIM AND DIB'S EXCELLENTISH ADVENTURE!**_

**Chapter 5**

**Yu-Gi-Oh! The Movie **

**(Card Game Time! Plus some other shit happens)**

Dib soared magically through the cosmos as he zoomed towards the giant fleet of ships in front of him. "Jesus!" he exclaimed. To be more descriptive, most of the ships were purple or something. Dib decided to turn on his cloaking device, but then realized he didn't have one, so he squished his body up into a little ball, as if that would help anything. Dib did realize that he could open a comically large cache of guns from the back of his suit. It was Zim's after all.

Anyways, Dib stealthily rolled(?) to the back of the last ship of the fleet. It was as large as the ship in front but was not purple, much to Dib's dismay. The boy then rolled through a convenient open window and entered the third floor of the ship. With no thoughts other than _Why the hell did I choose to go to the last ship in the fleet instead of the first and just destroy that one? _And _I guess I'll have to just destroy this one first, _the boy glanced around at his surroundings.

A large table stretched out in front of him. The walls were silver and a door to Dib's left marked the exit of the room. As Dib turned towards said door, he heard a voice call out "STOP!"

Dib whipped around and said "Whaddya want?" in his 'tough' voice. He glanced at the speaker who he hadn't noticed before, who had comically spiky hair and hair covering his eyes to make him look mysterious. The figure was so stupid looking Dib couldn't tell whether or not he/she/it was an alien or not.

"Our battle begins now!"

"All right, let's go...bitch!" Dib added.

"CHOOSE YOUR BATTLE CARDS!"

"Wait...what?"

"CHOOSE OR DIE!"

Twenty-some cards suddenly appeared in front of Dib's face and floated in the air. "So, um, do I choose from these or-"

"YOU HAVE CHOSEN WITH YOUR MIND!"

"But I didn't-"

"SHUT UP! BATTLE ACTIVATION EQUILLIBRIUM!"

"That doesn't mean anything!"

Suddenly the table folded away and the spots where Dib and the thing stood shot into the air. Dib became aware that he was now in a large stadium; a massive crowd surrounded him. "Who would pay to watch this?" Dib thought aloud. Stairs materialized and folded out of the platform and led to a large blue hover field thing. Dib walked down to it and found the thing there too.

"You can do it Dib!" a bunch of voices yelled. "We believe in you!" Dib turned and saw a bunch of personality-less children who were his friends or something cheering at him.

"Who are you? How do you know my name?" he snapped instantly. _Dammit, why didn't my mind tutors teach me about this shit?_

_ DIB! We did! Remember...just think with your balls..._ the Asian guy's voice whispered unhelpfully, as his mind speak thing wasn't subtitled and Dib had no idea what the hell was just said to him.

"I'll begin this match!" the thing shouted, breaking Dib out of his thoughts. "I go to Battle Phase and play my Ninja Pig Demon! Ninja Pig Demon, use laser ninja star death beam!"

Some ninja stars flew towards nothing in particular, but apparently they affected Dib.

"Now you lost 30,000 Battle Points! Now I go to Mind Phase and play my Vibrionic Shield Speed Juxtaposition card! I gain 20,000 Battle Points!"

"Oh my! ("What the hell?" Dib shouted) Yoshiroefdrsgsashga has nearly destroyed Dib!" an announcer declared unhelpfully from a large screen mounted above a scoreboard.

Dib suddenly realized he didn't actually have any cards. If he understood right he had 'Battle Points' which he couldn't lose all of. Looking at the scoreboard, he noticed he had ten thousand, while his opponent had seventy-thousand. "Well, might as well make up some shit and half-ass my way out of this one..." he mumbled.

"GO DIB!"

"Shut up!" he shouted at his posse. "Now!" he turned to his opponent. "I send Giant Melee Lizard... Jucandia? Deathmech into the field! Fire your super machine gun atomic blast! That gives me another 17,000 Battle Points! Now I go to... Speed Calendar Phase? and play... Time Bomb Death Cage! You have lost 70,000 Battle Points!"

"HAHA! You think you have won? Not so, for I enter Flying Weasel Phase and reveal the Convenient Last Minute Savior Card that I placed face down!" the thing shouted.

"Nu-uh!" Dib complained.

"Yes-huh!" the thing cackled wildly. "Plus, you didn't say what phase you were in for your first attack, making you lose 20,000 Battle Points. Add that to my CLMSC and that splits half your Battle Points and gives them to me! And now I'll cash in my Crown Glory Points and take another 2,000 points from you!"

"Crown Glory Points...?" Dib asked himself. With 1,500 points left as opposed to the thing's 5,500 Dib knew he had to make up more stuff to win. "First, I go into Card Oblivion Phase Mark 2!"

The crowd gasped.

"Then I play my hidden Division of the Soul card, which takes 500 Battle Points from both of us, because I don't like 500s on the end of thousands! Because I'm in Card Oblivion Phase Mark 2, I can take half your cards and use them to form the Magic Sword of Truth and Smiles, piercing your deck through the heart-wait, what?- and destroying your deck! You lose 5,000 Battle Points! I-end-my-turn!" Dib said with finality.

The thing smiled. "You still haven't won!"

"Really? God DAMMIT!" Dib punched one of the kids in his posse.

"GO DIB!" It shouted.

"Yes, really. For you see, your cards were poisoned by Ninja Pig Demon's attack, making them defect to me! Now I play the Self Destruction of the Cylindrical Order of Magical Knights and Walls of Solid Heartpower Implosion Core card! This card makes you lose all of your Battle Points!"

Now Dib got to smirk. "What?" the thing asked.

"You didn't say what phase you were entering!" Dib exclaimed triumphantly. "You lose 20,000 of your Battle Points, making you lose!"

"!" the thing shouted.

"GODDAMMIT SHUT UP!" Dib screamed at it, remembering he had a gun with him at that second and putting it to good use as he blew the thing's sorry brains out. Then he turned on his posse, which had all turned into nightmarish demons for whatever reason, and killed each one of them.

"Oh my God! Dib has killed the other contestant! We must kill him!" the announcer yelled.

"Here we go!" Dib grinned cockily as the crowd began to jump at him. Then suddenly a loud crashing sound sprung to Dib's ears, and in under a second giant scorpions with machine guns came crashing through the wall of the Card Arena.

"OH GOD HELP ME!" the announcer screamed right before gunfire showed up on his screen and the visual of the man was lost to static. Then a picture of some product or another being promoted by 'Taco Man' showed up in its place (obviously an image the screen cut to when its cameras were cut out by giant scorpions). Dib scoffed at the poorly dressed 'superhero' before turning back to the _giant _problem he was facing.

"Cute," Dib muttered before the author dropped a brick on his head. Sadly, the boy was not knocked unconscious and instead sprung towards the first scorpion he caught sight of, activating rockets on his suit that actually existed and flying towards it, gun blazing. He had to dodge and barrel roll out of the way of thousands of poisonous machine gun bullets as they streamed out of the scorpion's tail. Firing at it, the tail end exploded, causing several simultaneous explosions all along the scorpion's back and quickly destroying the ugly creature as it was ultimately consumed in a fiery inferno.

Dib's rockets began to sputter due to the author's spite and the boy fell down to the glowing arena. The scorpions were coming ever quicker; Dib knew he had lost.

_BAM! _A man dressed in a white lab coat came bursting forth as he crashed through the opposite wall from the scorpions. Black goggles covered his eyes; his head was adorned with a large zigzag of hair. Sledgehammer in hand, the man flew at the scorpions and crushed their weaponry in seconds, then he landed next to Dib.

"...Dad?" Dib muttered.

"Come on, son! We have to destroy this fleet!" Professor Membrane hurriedly exclaimed. "Follow me!"

"AAAAH!" Tak screamed as she suddenly came to once more on the floor of the Ferrari.

"Oh, hey Tak," Zim, who for some reason hadn't remembered what Tak looked like earlier, nonchalantly acknowledged his mortal enemy.

"Where the hell am I? Who are you?" Tak couldn't remember him because she had... "Been inflicted with a shitty plot de-?" Tak was cut off by the actual reason- amnesia!

"I'm Zim! And I just saved your life, and now you're in our winged Ferrari and we're flying through the cosmos, but right now I have to follow Dib onto those ships that are attacking us." Zim explained, and indeed the Ferrari was being constantly rocked by the blasts of energy being emitted from several of the fleet's ships.

"Zim! I've heard of you!"

"Of course you have! I am AMAZING!"

"No you're not!" Gir exclaimed.

"I've been sent by Rothua to tell you that we have to stop Professor Membrane!"

The audience gasped.

** Cliffhanger! :O Who is this 'Rothua?' (He sounds important) What is Professor Membrane's secret agenda? Why is he on the ship? Why hasn't Gaz said anything for three chapters? 3 out of these 4 questions are important enough to be answered later in 'Zim and Dib's Excellentish Adventure!'**


	6. The Black Hole

6th chapter! Huzzah!

**Well, after a few weird chapters as I will call them, we're finally back on track, so sit back and enjoy...**

**ZIM AND DIB'S EXCELLENTISH ADVENTURE! **

**Chapter 6: The Black Hole**

"Dad, *pant, pant*,-"

"Now is no time to speak of pants boy! Follow me!" Membrane shouted to his son as a cloud of darkness and tentacles chased them down.

"Alright, but was intentionally breaking the glass that harbored the 'Cloud of Evil' really necessary to your 'mission' or 'plan' or whatever?" Dib moaned as the two skidded to a stop and darted down another hallway.

"Eh, I figured it'd look cool. Here, I'll kill it," Membrane zapped it into oblivion by firing a laser from his palm. "My mission is to save the world, son! Why do you think I've spent so much time away from you and Gaz? For years I've been secretly working in space, splitting time between my work here and on Earth, and eventually sending a clone of myself to take my place as your parent!"

"That's very interesting," Dib said, rolling his eyes.

"Now, we have to stop Rothua's dastardly scheme or else Earth and all of the galaxy will be destroyed!"

"Uh... Earth was kinda already destroyed..." Dib replied as his breath became hoarse.

"What?" Membrane roared. "I'll have him killed for this if it's the last thing I do!"

"Well, what're we going to do to stop him?" Dib asked, as obviously this one piece of evidence that could be easily disproved swayed his entire view of the matter.

"We have to destroy the Heart of the Universe," Membrane replied as the camera zoomed on his face. Canned laughter began to play, so Dib killed the sound guy as the two continued to talk.

"What is this 'Heart of the Universe?'" Dib asked.

"A vast black hole capable of sucking the entire universe in! Rothua is creating it as we speak! In the middle of the universe!"

"How do we destroy a black hole?" Dib questioned his dad.

"We blow it up," Membrane said solemnly.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

"We have to protect the Heart of the Universe from him or else he will kill himself and everyone else!" Tak explained to Zim, Gaz, Gir, and Tyson, the wisecracking voice of the Ferrari someone accidentally turned on and forgot to turn off.

"That's what yo mama said in bed last night!" Tyson exclaimed. Gir stood up and turned Tyson off. "! AAAAUGH! YOU'LL NEVER DEFEAT ME!" Tyson screeched as he powered off. "Yo...yo...," then nothing.

"Why did he even exist again?" Zim asked.

"Who?" Gaz and Tak asked, having instantly forgotten Tyson.

"Anyways, won't protecting the HU, as I will abbreviate it because I'm lazy, just destroy the universe anyways?" Zim asked.

"No,"

"How?" Zim remarked.

"I'm sure Rothua will explain it to you when we see him. That way we can divert from the original plan I made up two minutes ago but still stop Membrane."

"Excellent," Zim said gratuitously.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The Irken parked his dinosaur on a floating rock chunk thing and began to climb the translucent floaty steps that lit up under his feet and led to a distant house that also was floating in the middle of space, the fabled Heart of the Universe off in the distance. Several hours later (there were lots of stairs) the Irken knocked on the gigantic front door. Nothing. He knocked again.

This time the doors swung inward, revealing a tall, handsome man, a dark expression in his eyes. "Hello. I've been expecting you."

"Any word on the two? I left my prison as soon as I heard," the Irken explained.

"Yes, it seems the boy has met the anomaly, they are headed here."

"And the other? Zim?" the Irken pressed.

"He's coming as well. To protect the Heart. I'll have to stop him."

"Why must you hinder his progress and not the boy's?" the Irken asked angrily.

"If I don't, then we all die," Rothua replied calmly.

"So we're just going to kill him?"

"I didn't say-"

"But you will! I know it!"

"You can't save yourself! You must realize this!"

"I am too great to die! I am.. I am Zim!"

"Trust me, Zim, there is a reason!"

"Why don't you explain it to my fist!" Zim threatened stupidly, pressing a button on his PAK; a glittery sword magically formed in his palm. As he turned to strike Rothua, the strange man simply transformed into that which Zim feared most: a refrigerator.

"You know you haven't the balls to kill me Zim," Rothua laughed gently.

"No! Not that! They... they killed them! They killed them all!" Zim uncharacteristically felt remorse for something. As his legs gave way, Rothua transformed once more into a human.

"Get out before I kill you," Rothua threatened. Zim picked himself off the floor, then turned to sprint away. As the doors shut, Rothua turned and walked up the stairs, thinking aloud.

"I suppose I'll have to send the IPS after them now," he mused before returning to his work on the HU.

**WHAAAAAT? Zim is the Irken? But then how could Zim be Zim? And who the hell is Rothua? And what's up with refrigerators? And why does Rothua want to apparently destroy them all? And how will Tyson gain his revenge? All these questions and more will be revealed in _Zim and Dib's Excelletnish Adventure! (_Or the several sequels of it...)**


	7. Final Fantasy

**A/N: As aforementioned in the last chapter, this story will have sequels. With that in mind, I've decided this story will be over in 4-5 more chapters, and will be followed immediately by a sequel. But don't worry, this one'll have a kick-ass ending, guaranteed.**

**Zim and Dib's Excellentish Adventure!**

**Chapter 7: Final Fantasy (I'm referencing video games now!)**

Dib crept slowly to the side of the door, not wanting to be seen by the ship's commander who happened to be located in the very room he hoped to infiltrate (the cockpit) . Motioning to his father, Membrane rolled to the other side of the door. On Membrane's signal, Dib jumped into the room while ripping a piece of wood out of the wall and using it to pin the commander down. "Surrender the ship!" Dib started to yell.

"I don't think I want to," the man said calmly.

"I think my gun wants you to!" Dib pointed a revolver at the commander.

"Ha ha!" the commander laughed in that annoying English-accent way. Then horrible changes began to occur to the man; thick, purple muscles began to bulge and rip through his coat and pants, replacing human flesh, dotted by grotesque yellow spots. Wire-like purple strings of flesh wildly flew around his back; his face gained three pairs of yellow eyes and eight rows of jagged red teeth. Ten times his size, the general sprouted spikes trailing down his appendages, his clothes now all fallen off. Mandibles began to emerge from the sides of his mouth. Where his hands had been, gigantic machine guns had appeared in their place.

It took two shots from the shotgun Membrane had apparently been carrying to kill him. "Eqdsathrians look tough, but their skin is very soft," he explained.

"How do you know so much about aliens? Why did you discourage me from believing in aliens?" Dib asked as he stood looking over the Eqdsathrian's corpse.

"I did that? I believe that must've been the clone..." Membrane told Dib. He walked towards the control panel of the ship. A few button clicks later and the entire fleet had been destroyed by the super death cannons the ship carried.

"Gee, randomly generating ninjas and SWAT team members sure haven't attacked me in a while," Dib thought aloud. "I guess most of that training was worthless," he reflected.

"Rothua must be expecting us," Membrane said dramatically.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Hahaha!" Tyson exclaimed on loop. He'd become self-aware, turned himself on, and crash landed Zim, Tak, Gir, and Gaz on an apparently uninhabited desert-like planet.

"Goddamn that car!" Zim exclaimed, turning to the Ferrari and kicking it.

"Joe mama so fat she kills unborn fetuses and rapes puppies while getting high on gaseous fumes and cutting off children's heads with a small butcher's knife to savor their pain!" he replied.

Everyone looked at Tyson with ghastly expressions on their faces. "How does that even tie into being fat?" asked Gaz, shocked for once, plus she needed to say something as she hadn't done anything since like chapter two.

"Zim will deal with you later, hideous car-beast!" Zim turned to face a horde of giant robots that had previously been transformed into sand dunes. "Gir, super-giant-robo-transformation-growth-hormone-power-up-death-weapon-of-HIDEOUS DOOM! mode, go!"

"Yes master!" Gir replied, growing quickly and soon dwarfing the other robots. Zim jumped about twenty stories into Gir's head.

Tak and Gaz jumped into position in front of Gir, Gaz brandishing her giant sword again and Tak pulling out a crossbow. An arrow appeared above Zim and Gir, so they ran up to one of the robots and punched it square in the jaw, jumping back into position afterwards. The arrow shifted to Gaz, who yelled, "You're mine!" and cut the same robot in half; it disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Now it was Tak's turn to attack, but her crossbow did about ten damage to the second robot. The heroes' turn over, the robots now began to attack, one by one hitting Tak. Switching back to Zim, he wondered why he hadn't tried to attack the robots while they'd been pummeling her. Looking through a blue menu that had popped up, he selected 'Magic' and from there the word 'Firamagadsadegajaga.'

"What the hell does that mean?" Zim thought, but pressed it because it was long and sounded powerful. Sure enough, three of the robots were affected by the spell, dying simultaneously. Gaz stepped forward once more, selecting 'Special' from her magical blue menu. Scrolling through what seemed like thousands of options, she finally pressed 'Doomsday.' A giant meteor erupted from her sword and hit the last remaining robot for what was broadcast as about 300 damage.

"What a fucking tease..." she muttered.

"All right, you're finished!" Tak yelled at the robot as she fired another bolt. The robot dodged it. "How the hell do you dodge?"

Tak was crushed by the robot's fist a second later, 'killing' her. One final blast from Zim/Gir, and the battle was over. Obnoxiously repetitive music played as the battlefield span around.

As the odd little experience wrapped up, Zim, while recovering from dizziness, looked for anything to heal Tak, finally selecting a 'Phoenix Down' that he'd acquired from one of the robots. He threw it on Tak.

"I think I hate fighting enemies now," Tak complained as she got up.

"Scarab beetle at ten o' clock!" Zim shouted urgently. After waiting about four hours for ten o' clock to arrive, the threat suddenly appeared out of the sand. Zim stepped on it. "That was disappointingly simple. You guys watch out for anymore trouble, I'll try to repair the car."

"Xan joined the party!" a voice exclaimed.

"Ohshitwhatisthat?" Zim jumped.

"I'm...Xan!" a voice said dramatically. An Irken cloaked in black and wearing dark sunglasses stared sideways at the others. "I have a dark past and lots of secrets and am way better at fighting than all of you so leave me alone as I am quite silent and badass. Also, my name starts with an X, so that right there is pretty cool," he answered their unspoken questions coolly. A gigantic monster jumped out of the ground at that second, eyeless but certainly not toothless. Zim, Tak, and Gaz jumped into formation, attacking the beast one by one, doing pathetic amounts of damage to its monstrous exterior.

"I'll handle this!" Xan said darkly, jumping up and stabbing the monster in the brains, killing it instantly. It blew up, becoming consumed by a fiery inferno.

"I hate you," Zim sneered at the newcomer as the battle ended.

"Ha!" Xan laughed, performed some magical bullshit to fix the car, and then turned away from the group to sit in awesome emo silence.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxanxxxx

"Damn it! Why is Xan with them now?" Rothua yelled angrily, pounding his fist on a convenient table.

"Because, you know I must move this story forward," Retirw explained.

"Shut up! You know we must keep Zim from this place! It's the only way Dib..."

"You're wrong. The only way to win this is to keep him alive and bring him here," Retirw explained.

"Win what? From who!" Rothua snapped back. "You haven't told me anything!"

"In time, you will know all," Retirw explained.

"You! You!" Rothua stopped short. He'd been shouting at a mirror again.

"Oh God, what's wrong with me?" he yelled angrily, then fell to his knees; he placed his head in his hands and cried melodramatically. "What's wrong with me..."

**A/N: Hooray! Rothua, the god of all existence or something, has split personality disorder! Dib's training continues to be completely wasted! Tyson is a raving lunatic bastard child of an AI! Xan is a total douche! Turn-based battle systems suck ass!**


	8. In Which Some Stuff Happens

**The increasingly inane and contrived...**

**ZIM AND DIB'S EXCELLENT(ISH) ADVENTURE!**

**Chapter 8**

**In Which Some Stuff Happens**

Dib and Membrane sat back as the ship auto-piloted them through the cosmos after their extensive card-and-scorpion battles and such.

"Dad, why didn't you just destroy Rothua sooner?"

"I once knew where he was located, but was banished from his domain years ago. I believe you hold the key to locating his castle, after all, this ship seems to be leading us somewhere..."

"Why were you-"

"I will tell you all when Rothua is vanquished," Membrane replied.

**XxxxxxxxX**

Meanwhile, hundreds of quintillions of light years away, a certain Irken tried conspicuously to park his dinosaur on the Massive while another certain Irken (who happened to be driving a winged Ferrari that bore several dents) was headed to the same location.

"Why are we going to the Massive again?" Tak inquired so that the readers might understand what the hell is happening.

"I shall board the Massive and inform the Tallests to protect the giant force of DOOM that Rothua is creating!" Zim exclaimed.

"Yo mama-" Tyson began to chime in, "Xan? I-it's you!" the AI turned its attention to Xan. "You may command me wherever we may go my lord!"

"I hate you," Zim grumbled to Xan, who took no offense and instead replied.

"Yes, it's been a long time, Tyson, or should I say Terribly Yummy Super Omnipotent Nihilist-car!"

"No you shouldn't say that, it sounds stupid," Zim complained. "EVERYONE SHUT UP! We are nearing the Massive!" he suddenly screamed even though no one was talking. He punched in a few buttons on the dash of the car and waited for a screen to pop up in front of him. Two tall, bored figures stared back at him.

"My Tallest! We are in urgent need of your assistance! I am sorry for not contacting you sooner for you see, the Earth has blown up and...eh.. I did it! ME!" he exclaimed. "I request docking, for I must tell you of a black hole of doom in the center of the universe!"

"What? How is that possible?" the Tallest asked Zim.

"Simple! A god-like entity known as Rothua is artificially creating it!" Zim said, "...Wait... Jesus, do you expect anyone to take this seriously?"

Zim got beat up by a bunch of undead skeletons that vanished in a second.

"I hate you too..." he moaned.

"Anyways, my Tallest, I believe Zim, for I told him we must protect the black hole at all costs! ...Rothua told me!"

"Ha...-_3 hours later_-ahahaaaahaaahaaa..." the Tallests panted. "Don't make me laugh!" Red said.

"Trust me, I won't anymore," Tak muttered.

"We locked away Rothua years ago, on on of those planets near where Zim was," Purple said as he gasped for breath. "Now go away."

"Oh yeah and Zim you are defective. We hate you," Red added unnecessarily to 'increase the drama.'

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Zim bellowed as the screen dissipated and Tyson piloted them away from the Massive, which was destroyed a few minutes later. Only three Irkens, the one taller than the two unconscious Tallests, escaped on a Tyrannosaurus flying away from the wreckage.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"What is this place?" Dib asked.

"Rothua's fortress," Membrane spoke clearly, even though the two were in space and should have died of asphyxiation like the alien that had walked the same stairs a few days previously.

"Oh," Dib said, glancing at the giant freakin' black hole. A few dozen hours and several cans of beans later they reached two gigantic doors. Dib knocked cautiously on the left door. Nothing. Then he knocked again.

Giant tentacles shot out at Membrane all of a sudden!

"Dad!" Dib gasped, pulling his shotgun from its holster (do shotguns have holsters?) and fired at the creature, but nothing came out of the gun. "WTH?" he screamed obnoxiously.

Seconds later, the beast relinquished his grasp on Membrane. "Dib! It's been a long time! I'm sorry, I wasn't expecting you so soon! I had some business with a certain alien friend of mine, he left but a few minutes ago," a voice called out from inside the house. Dib turned to look at a brown haired man, no older than twenty, a gigantic awesome sword in hand.

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to-"

"Shut up, son, I'll handle this," Membrane reprimanded Dib for quoting _Taxi Driver_ for no reason. He pulled out his huge hammer again.

"So, we are to fight then, hmm? I never expected you to find this place again. You are far more persistent than the other anomalies," Rothua asked coldly as the two men stood face to face.

"You've destroyed Earth, fool! You've thrown everything at the alien and my chil-"

"They're not your children you idiot!" Rothua rasped, a cold smile playing upon his lips, "or have you forgotten?"

"Wait, what? What does that mean, dad?" Dib turned helplessly to Membrane.

"Wait in the car son, I'll handle this!"  
"We didn't bring our car. We're in space, remember?" Dib reminded him, but his dad had returned to shouting melodramtic things at Rothua again.

"How could you do this? What the hell is the point of destroying everything with your damned black hole?"

"I'm not destroying anything... except you, Membrane!" he leapt at Membrane, slashing his sword in the man's face. Membrane countered by swinging his hammer and flinging Rothua like a toy across the room. Membrane surged forward, and was about to strike the unconscious figure again, when suddenly...

"Dumbass! You let yourself get beat up by him? You certainly are a terrible fighter. Watch and learn..." a figure with fair skin and yellow hair sprung from behind Membrane, firing a blast of cosmic energy at the man. Membrane countered by emitting burst of red from his fingertips, deflecting the blast.

As laser upon laser was fired and dodged at one another, Dib decided to take drastic action. He hurtled towards the golden haired adversary. In a split second he was knocked backwards as the man kicked Dib in the chest, his gun sent flying. He delivered another kick in the same instant to the professor, whose shades flew off his face.

"You have awakened the wrath of my inner demons!" Membrane bellowed as he stood up. "Prepare to face my ultimate weapon!"

Before Membrane could do so, he realized the figure had disappeared. "What-?" he asked to himself.

"AAAAAAAAAAH!" a voice screamed; Rothua had gotten back up and jumped towards Membrane. One dodge roll later, the professor picked himself up and sprinted up the wall as Rothua fabricated a turret out of thin air and began to fire at Membrane, causing holes to form in the wall.

As Professor Membrane jumped from the ceiling towards his foe, a sudden bullet whizzed straight through his skull. The corpse fell to ground.

"What? No...dad? Dad?" Dib screamed the second before Rothua created a racetrack and caused a bunch of cars to run over the limp body. "AAAAAH!" Dib screamed in horror at the one thing he feared most. Then he blacked out.

**A/N: To think this story began with me thinking "Gee, wouldn't it be so easy to write a story that has virtually no plot about random action and shit blowing up?" Now this story actually has a story and I fear** **it may be losing its satirical edge. Nevertheless, while it may become less of a parody, I still hope to preserve its humorous aspects. I am also very lazy and am no longer going to name chapters after movie titles. Also, I sincerely apologize for the length in between updates. Tune in next time for more insanity and plot twists!**


End file.
